Death & Numb Feelings

TW: THIS POST TALKS ABOUT DEATH AND EMOTIONS RELATED TO IT, WHICH MAYBE PROVOKING. 

Today, I was watching an English show and the particular episode was about someone passing away. It reminded me of the time between 2020- till date and all the people I lost during this time period. 

I also realized how during this whole hustle of battling corona and life I had actually not gotten the time to even mourn properly. We all lost so many people during Corona and we couldn't even be there with our loved ones because of the fear of the spreading virus. Adulting hit a little more when I also realized that due to college and being so far away I couldn't attend funerals of my loved ones. 

I cried watching the episode today. It felt good to get a little weight off my chest because hearing about deaths during Covid made me so numb that I couldn't even cry. I know that becoming completely numb about feelings is not healthy, but I guess that's just how I became during Covid and its still continuing. 

I'm kind of at a loss of words here because this feeling is really hard to explain. Sometimes, we really want to be there for our loved ones, but life just happens to be in a way that we cannot. I know it's hurtful, but as we all grew up, somehow, we learnt to live with that and adjusted accordingly. 

The reason I mentioned in the start that it was an "English" show and not just a show is because of the funeral part. Now, whatever I'm going to write, I will probably be seen as an emotionless or selfish person, but it's just my take to things. So, I've noticed how funerals outside India are very different. They have a beautiful memorial service and they remember the deceased in a very nice manner. Everyone has a little speach about all the good memories they spent with that person and honestly, it's really beautiful how they do it. Many people, especially here in India, we judge others if they're not crying frantically on someone's death or if they have even the slightest of smile. I, personally think that's very wrong. Just because someone doesn't cry or expresses their feelings in the same way like you do, it doesn't mean that it's not hurtful. We surely shouldn't be disrespectful or laugh and make jokes, but not crying doesn't make anyone rude. 

At this particular funeral also that I watched in the show, they did shed tears when they heard about the death, but they had a beautiful service and shared memories. Now, this doesn't mean that they're not hurt. I know most of the things that I'm writing may not really make sense to many people, but today I'm writing not just as a writer with certain principles of writing, but as a writer who is also a human and who is also filled with raw emotions. 

We, as humans, also need to normalize the fact if someone doesn't want to attend the funeral altogether or not see the body. I'm saying this with personal experience and it's really difficult sometimes. Recently, one of my loved ones passed away and I did go because I wanted to be there for everyone. However, I was looked down upon when I didn't want to see the body or I didn't cry as much or when I chose not to take part in many of the rituals. It's difficult for me. I think all of us changed a lot during Covid and this was one of my changes. I'm not comfortable seeing a dead body or taking part in such rituals because it really makes me anxious and I've just become numb with emotions. All this doesn't mean that I am not hurt by the death or I am selfish or rude. It's just how it is. Every human is different and everyone's coping mechanism is different and we need to normalize and accept that. 

Even as I write about this, it's making me anxious, but I felt it needs to be out there. 

I hope we try and be more understanding towards people's ways of dealing with certain things and sharing more memories about the person who passed away rather than just make it more depressing. Think about it, do you think that particular person, if they were here, they would've liked seeing us in this condition because of them? No-one would. It's okay to cry or not to cry, it's okay to do whatever and however, but be more sensitive towards others. 

Lastly, again, I may not make a lot of sense with what I wrote, but I tried to share what I felt. 

سناSanaसना